“Told you to chop its head off.”

So…Keith chopped the snakes head off. The snake that I killed. The snake that turned out to be a WATER MOCCASIN! Yeah, the first snake I kill turns out to be a WATER MOCCASIN! Insane.
Hannah told him that she “…already told Mom that she needed to chop its head off. And that if she was so scared why didn’t she just call Nanny…”
Jackson is now the favorite.
Keith proceeds to lecture me on where the killing took place. How I should’ve removed it from the porch.  It’s not like CSI: Back Porch had to be called.
Anyway,  he chops the head off. Then he picks it up. At this point Jackson and I run like the wind for the porch.  Hannah calls us “…a bunch of chickens…”. Jackson looks at me and says, “Don’t listen to her Mom. It’s okay to be scared.”.
I didn’t have the heart to tell Cleopatra (who by the way, beat me to the porch by six seconds) that Bindi was referring to both of us.

Me, Titus and the snake…

The snake gave as good as he got. Our back porch looks like a scene from Tremors. 
The scene:
The snake is on the porch. About three feet from Hannah. (Later when she tells this story the snake has practically got her in a choke hold.) Titus distracts the snake with an amazing song and dance while I get the kids in the house. (Hannah just keeps saying, “It was so close. It was so close.”)
I look through the window to get a better look. We all look through the window to get a better look. I think it’s poisonous.  I’m pretty sure it’s poisonous.  Hell after sleeping with a Game Warden for 17 years I should know if it’s poisonous!  But I snap a pic and send it to the Game Warden anyway.  He confirms it is in fact poisonous.  And I need to kill it.
WHAT?!?!
With the machete.
WHAT?!?!
Just because I sleep with CROCODILE DUNDEE doesn’t make me CROCODILE DUNDEE.
I have been in the house now for about 20 minutes. Titus has been fighting the snake the entire time. Titus is a 12 year old German Shepherd.  And right now he is channeling his inner Jack Palance. I couldn’t love him more. We’ve got this. So with machete in hand, my kids faces firmly implanted in the window,  I take my place on the patio chair to fight my battle.  I am wielding this machete over my head like I am She-Ra. However, I am incredibly nervous about beheading TItus in front of the children.  (They already have so much to tell their shrink.) I bite the bullet and swing.  I don’t make contact as She-Ra, more like My Little Pony.  Snakes have thick skins and that damn machete is heavy!
Jackson is screaming that I killed its guts! Hannah is screaming for me to GO FOR IT’S HEAD! This is the moment where I realize I gave birth to the daughter my mother always wanted.  My mama can kill a snake.  She wields a machete like a Hibatchi Chef works GINSU!
It takes two tries. But I get him.
I puke.  The kids go to their grandparents.  Titus takes a six hour nap. And Sigourney Weaver is watching over the body until Keith gets home.
What. A. Day.

The Top 3 signs your Mom may be over school.

3. Your lunch box looks like something straight off the Golden Corral Buffet.  Nothing matches. It’s like she has literally just opened the refrigerator and thrown all the leftovers into your lunch box.  Oh, wait. This just in…she has just opened the refrigerator and thrown all the leftovers into your lunch box!  And don’t eat those Hershey kisses!  Rumor has it she found those at the bottom of the snack cabinet.
2. A few weeks back one of the straps on your backpack broke.  She says it’s April and she isn’t buying you a new backpack this close to the end of school. Really? Parents need to clarify what constitutes “too close to the end of school“. Some of us have been dealing with the issue of “too small undies” since February.  So apparently, if it’s gonna “break” or become “too small”, that crap needs to happen BEFORE Christmas break.  Or you may find yourself walking around with a jacked up, MacGyvered knotted Super Mario bros backpack. While not wearing any underwear.
And the #1 sign your Mom may be over school…
SHE LET’S YOU GO TO SCHOOL WEARING YOUR SISTER’S UNIFORM SHIRT.
How is this even possible?  You are six and she is TEN! No words.

My name is Linda, and I am a kid smeller.

I admit it. I smell my kids every night after they fall asleep. I also check their breathing.  You know, to make sure it’s still HAPPENING. This is very comforting to me. However, I realize eventually one (probably Hannah) will wake up and catch my kid smelling and pulse checking. Undoubtedly the kid will shit four gold bricks and a garden gnome. Because there ain’t no amount of therapy that can you bring you back from a  “dead of sleep mama pulse check“! You might as well be the kid who see’s dead people.