The road to Mommy Breakdowns are paved with LAST minute school projects.

So, it’s Wednesday and you just found out you have a Veteran’s Project due the following Tuesday. On Veteran’s Day. You, A) come home IMMEDIATELY and tell your Mom about said project. You spare no details. You give her a “project list” of supplies you will need. (Because you know she’s goes to Target at least 47 times a week.) Or B), you tell her about it when your friends Mom sends her a text (on Sunday night around 7) “hey has Hannah finished that Veteran’s Day Project yet…”.

My daughter chose B. She chose WRONG!

Me – Your Mom still hasn’t sent me those pics. I’m getting a little panicky.
Keith- Oh. I told her to email them to me.
Me- WHAT?!?! It’s 5! Why didn’t you tell me sooner?
Keith- You didn’t ask.

This right here could’ve easily ended in “…we the jury find the defendant…” But I took a breath.

Me- She didn’t tell me that. YOU didn’t tell me that.
Keith- I don’t know why you’re getting so mad Linda. I’m just trying to help you out.

You know what? Screw the jury I don’t look all that bad in orange.

I spend the next hour fighting with the Kodak Kiosk in CVS. I watch several of my friends come and go. I hate them. I am mere seconds away from becoming a Lifetime movie. It’s now close to seven.  Not cooking. Ordering pizza. Hannah looks at the pizza and says, “UGH…it’s the square kind.”  So I basically tell her hell will freeze over before she gets the square pizza OR ANY food for that matter! She looks back at me (with eyes that could’ve easily frozen hell) and says she’s not really hungry and has a project she needs to get started on.
I tell you what when the preteen eats the cute sweet little girl that used to live in your house…she leaves no trace evidence.

Keith eats his pizza with gusto. Says it’s the best he’s ever had and wants to know what he can do to make me feel better. He’s lying through his teeth.
Me- I want you to admit I’m right to be this aggravated.
Keith (laughing) I’ll say whatever you want me to say.
Me- I want you to say I’m right to be aggravated. And MEAN it!
Keith (can’t even speak from laughing so hard)
At this point I have now confessed and am someone’s prison wife.

As I’m tucking Jackson in…
Jackson- Thanks for changing my light bulbs today.
Me- (almost crying) You’re welcome.
Jackson- Except you forgot one.

Everyone in this house needs to sleep with one eye open.

Me- No I didn’t.
Jackson- Yes you did. That fan is missing a light.
Me- It. Is. Not. It only has two!
Jackson- Oh. You’re right. Thank you for showing me where I was wrong. I’m sorry.

Me- KEITH!  Come upstairs. And bring something to take NOTES with!

My favorite selfie…

Keith and I have taken many pictures in our 19 years together. Wedding pictures (which Keith still can’t look at due to an irrational fear of confinement). Pictures of us when both children were born. Pictures of family vacations  (which brings on a level of anxiety comparable to a game of musical chairs). My point: We’ve taken a lot of pictures. But I think this is my favorite.

I kept taking these selfies of us trying to get him to smile. He finally cracked when I was laughing so hard at him purposely trying NOT to smile! It was such a fun night. It was such an easy night.

We had taken the kids trick or treating under a Tornado Watch (nothing in The What to Expect when It’s Raining on Halloween Handbook that says you can’t do this). Then Goosebumps with 6 adults and 7 kids. Refilling the popcorn bucket 5 times. (Let’s take a time out here and thank God for the popcorn bucket.)

Good times. Great friends.

It was nothing extravagant like a wedding. It was nothing exciting like a vacation. And it certainly wasn’t as life changing as having a baby. It was simple and ordinary.
And it makes me smile.

George Weasley takes Supergirls breath away. Literally.

SUPERGIRL #1-  OH. MY. GOSH. George Weasley I know you did NOT just “pass gas in my face”!!

SUPERGIRL #2-  Ummm….maybe when he heard us say “we’re LIKE the wind” he thought we said “it’s a GOOD time to BREAK wind”!!

Soul scarring wife…

Keith- I’ll do your scar for you buddy.
Jackson- I don’t want a scar. I’m going to be Harry Potter WITHOUT the scar.
Keith- You sure? I’ll even do one on myself.
Me- Let me give you a real scar. Please?
Keith- Woman you’ve already scarred my soul!  What more do you want?

Good.  Grief.

And judging by that “man blanket” looks like I scarred his manhood as well.

The Creeper and Nancy Reagans administrative assistant

This is the last day of Red Ribbon Week. Jackson is supposed to be dressing up as a character who supports his commitment to being drug free. This totally contradicts all the cold medicine I’ve pumped him up with this week…just to get through “Drug free week”. His character, a Creeper, also a contradiction in peaceful demonstration.  But I digress…

I asked Hannah what her theme was this week. Her reply, “Ummm…wear red to ummm…say no to drugs? I don’t know.   I just read wear red. So I’m wearing red.”

Wow. Had this been back in the day Nancy Reagan would’ve certainly snatched this whippersnapper up! She could’ve used a go-getter such as Hannah for her Just Say No campaign.  Bet Hannah is kicking herself for being born 30 years too late. Imagine the things those two together could’ve accomplished.

A.D.D: Attention DIET Disorder

Anonymous woman #1- I’ve gained so much weight.
A.W.#2- I know me too.
A.W.#1- I’m so hungry right now.
A.W.#2- I know me too.
A.W.#1- I need you to help me focus.
A.W.#2- Ok. Hey you wanna get mexican?
A.W.#1- GURL is a twinkie filled?!?!
A.W.#2- I’ll drive.
A.W.#1- Wait! My door isn’t closed!
A.W.#2- You’re fine. Just don’t lean out.

It isn’t pretty. But it’s real.

Disgust: My 11 year old has 99 EMOTIONS and she only wears ONE.

Me- Hannah I need your laundry basket.
Hannah- UGH.

Me- Hannah will you unload the dishwasher?
Hannah- UGH.

Me- Hannah you need to be nicer to your brother.
Hannah- UGH.

Me- Hannah wash your own clothes, cook your own food and live ALONE in a VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!

Hannah- UG…wait….WHAT?!?!

These are NOT the GRADES you are looking for…

Me- Oh my God Keith LOOK at his grades! I don’t even know what to say. I really need you to back me on his punishment.
Keith (as he is walking out of the room)- OK.
Me- STOP! Are you even listening to me?
Keith- Linda you had me at “EEEEEEEEEKKKKKK OH MY GOD KEITH!”  I’ve got your back. Don’t worry.
Me- I have never made that sound in my life! And I know for a fact I don’t wave my arms around like that!

Okay maybe I do wave my arms around like that. But I’ll be damned if I tell him.

Keith- You kinda do.
Me- I kinda want to throat punch you.
Keith- The boy Linda. Focus on the boy. His is the one you are angry with. He is the one who forgot how to add.

He’s totally right!  IT’S THE BOY I want! IT’S THE BOY who can’t add! NOT my precious wonderful husband!

Me- JACKSON!!!!

HOLY CRAP. I think I was just OBI-WAN’D.

“Smile!” Or…”Look like you’re passing a kidney stone!”

Do you know what goes great with Red Ribbon Week at school?  The CONSTIPATED SMILE. Nothing says NO to drugs, or can flare up your I.M.S  (Irritable Mom Syndrome) quite like the CONSTIPATED SMILE.

My children are smart and on most days speak the same language as myself. So it’s always a little confusing to me when I say “smile” and they look at me like I just got off the boat. “Oh God I don’t know what she’s saying? Don’t make her angry! Just smile your best awkward smile and move on.”

Harley riding Cougar

Just saw a man six months shy of DIRT driving a Harley. Chick on the back was about six months OLDER than DIRT. Gotta love a cougar!